I’ll take the holiday bait today. It’s true…with its emphasis on candy consumption, many Primal types feel lost on Halloween. They don’t know what to do with themselves.
The costumes are fun, and being with friends is always a good time, but how should they react to all that sugar? It’s a hard thing.
Luckily, today I have 6 ways you can observe Halloween while staying true to your Primal roots.
Everyone knows, deep down, that going Primal is really all about re-enacting ancient hunter-gatherer life. Personally, my mode of communication and utilization of Internet technology is a source of deep shame. I’d much rather cite PubMed entries while sitting around a campfire. If I could, I’d smash my laptop, renounce antibiotics, toss my toothbrush. That I cannot find the courage to do so is slowly killing me on the inside.
But I can’t. I’m in too deep. So I use Halloween as the one day out of the year that I can fully embody the paleolithic hunter-gatherer that yearns to burst free. I suggest you do the same. Put on a loincloth. Grab an atlatl. Contract a parasite. Live the dream, if only for one night.
Sure, almost no one will get your costume. But when you meet someone who does, you’ll know you have a friend or lover for life. A few ideas:
Robb Wolf: Wear a jiu jitsu gi and a big broad smile; refer to everyone as “folks.”
Mark Sisson: No shirt, paint-on abs, and a Frisbee.
Chris Masterjohn: Carry a cup of egg yolks, and hand out vitamin K2 capsules.
Bill Lagos: Blue blockers and a blow torch.
Peter Attia: Ride a road bike while wearing only a speedo and carrying a gallon bag of cashews.
Stephan Guyenet: Wear a peasant’s burlap tunic, and carry around a dinner plate containing boiled cabbage, boiled chicken breast, boiled potato.
Petro Dobromylskj: Dress as a molecule of palmitic acid.
Emily Deans: Doctor’s lab coat made of mammoth fur, stethoscope made of bone; hand out samples of magnesium glycinate and SSRIs.
Michelle Tam (NomNomPaleo): Carry an Instant Pot filled to the brim with Red Boat fish sauce.
Richard Nikolay: Naked, dusted with raw potato starch, with Bitcoin hash emblazoned in Sharpie across chest.
There’s nothing kids love more than healthy treats on Halloween. Some options that the kids in our neighborhood just love:
Teaspoons of Cod Liver Oil: Keep capsules on hand for kids with costumes that restrict mouth access.
Raw Liver Shake: Blend up some raw liver (beef, lamb, or chicken) with a little OJ and frozen blueberries. Serve in tiny, decorative Dixie cups.
100% Cacao Dark Chocolate: Everyone knows that kids love chocolate.
Kale Chips: Fill a big serving bowl with loose kale chips and let the kids grab as many as they like.
Mini Bottles of Natural Dry-Farmed Wine: Reduced alcohol content makes it perfect for minors.
Dark Chocolate Covered Brussels Sprouts: Fill snack-sized Ziplocs with 3-4 Primal “truffles.” Tell them to eat it quick before it melts!
Magnesium Oil Spritzes: Spray everyone who comes to the door. Tell the irate parents it will help their kids sleep, so they should thank you.
4-inch PVC Pipe Sections for Foam Rolling: As kids approach, be rolling out your quads as an example. Actual foam rollers are best but get rather expensive.
Single-Serving Kerrygold Butter Slivers: Just cut each stick of butter into 8 pieces, wrap in foil, keep in fridge, and hand out. Tell them it’s expensive and they should appreciate it.
In this Sunday’s Weekend Link Love, I linked to an article about the evolution of fear. It turns out that most of the things we innately fear, like snakes, spiders, heights, the dark, and deep water correspond to real dangers faced throughout the course of human evolution. Halloween is the perfect time to give a lesson on how it all works.
Gather three tarantulas, three black widows, two scorpions, one snake (ideally not venomous), 1000 fly larvae, two bats, and assorted cobwebs and other bugs. Set up shop on the edge of a rocky cliff. The possibilities are endless.
Now’s the perfect time to change hearts and minds. Dress in your Sunday best, grab a big sandwich board sign, and scrawl quotes from Gary Taubes and yours truly. Wear the sign and hit the busiest trick-or-treating street near you.
Tell kids that “Sisson saves” and “Gary loves you but hates the sin.”
Burn a pile of granulated sugar in the street. Make sure it burns, rather than turns into delicious caramel.
Hand out stevia packets.
It’s Halloween night. Your kids are down for the count, having eaten their nightly allotment. Cleaning up, you come across a Baby Ruth candy bar. It used to be your favorite one. In your heyday, you’d go through five King-Sized bars every week. How long has it been?
You’re doing so well. You just read The Keto Reset and finally beat that stall you hit a few months back. The weight’s flying off, and by the looks of it appears to be almost all lost body fat. Your wife’s even taken notice. You feel her eyes all over you, lingering in the best of ways.
One can’t hurt…. You unwrap it, take a bite. You take another. And another. It’s gone. You’re on to the next one.
You hit the chocolates first. Snickers, Kit-Kat, Milky Way. Then the fruity candies: Skittles, Starbursts, Sour Patch Kids, Sweet Tarts. Then the weird stuff you hated as a kid. candy corn, Twizzlers, Tootsie Rolls. You don’t care anymore. You eat it all.
Your child’s stash exhausted, you move onto the drug stores. CVS is selling fun-sized Three Musketeers for a buck a bag. You don’t even like nougat, but you buy out the store anyway. That’s the last thing you remember.
Three months later, you have no teeth. Your insulin is so high you can feel it. All the weight’s back on, and more. You stumble to a pay phone and dial your house. A stranger picks up. “There’s no one here by that name.”
Well, that’s it for today. If you’ve got any other ideas for observing Halloween as a devoted Primal type, share the joy below.
Thanks for stopping by today. Happy Halloween, everybody.
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